dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
