also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
