oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
3pm strippers are depressing
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
