Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
