I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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