Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
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