My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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