I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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