I am puke
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
