I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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