they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
