3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
He has the fingertips of a God
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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