Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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