Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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