YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
mondays should just be called national damage control day
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank