Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
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there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
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Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.