oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills