Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
