I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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