I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
