does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize