i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
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