i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
