Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
