my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
