I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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