dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
