Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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