There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
21 Millennials Confess The Most Awkward Way Someone Has Tried Hitting On Them
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
25 People Confess The Most Ignorant Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Them
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.