I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
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I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
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you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway