I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
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Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
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I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy