Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.