i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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