her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
