I need to stop coming to work sober
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
