I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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