i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
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