the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
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I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
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I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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