Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
