these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
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