I seem to have left my pride at pride
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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