Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
you never un-have a 4some
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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