I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
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