Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
