There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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