Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
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