Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
