11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
