The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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