Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize
