it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
