I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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