yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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