i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
