Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
