Welp...herpes.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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