She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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