Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
