Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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