it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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